Why Does My Wife Yell At Me?

A picture of man's wife yelling at him

If you feel like your wife is always angry with you and you want to change that reality, you can. While you can’t control others, you have full control over your own actions and choices. In this blog, we shift from your wife’s anger to actionable steps for a positive relationship change. Taking responsibility for your actions is crucial for growth and improvement in all areas of life. So instead of asking yourself – “Why does my wife yell at me?” I’d like to invite you to shift the focus to the question – “What can I do to create a positive change in the relationship?”. When you decide to take responsibility and action, you can start shifting things to a more positive place. 

Are you fully committed?

Before we explore practical steps, it’s important to make sure you’re fully committed to this journey with your wife. As you already know, creating and maintaining a deep, meaningful, and enduring relationship doesn’t happen by itself. It demands consistent effort and effective communication, and it’s no wonder that many people throw in the towel. I have been in two long-term relationships before. In both I wasn’t fully committed, and the resulting pain was significant for everyone involved. This year, I will be celebrating 15 years of being in a relationship with my wife. The feeling of being fully committed, despite the challenges that come with it, is gratifying. It leads to continuous growth and deeper connection. If you’re not fully committed to the journey with your wife, an honest conversation with her is necessary. After all, why would you waste her time and yours?

If you are truly committed to the relationship and want to shift things to a better place, read on.

Let’s explore a few approaches you can take to create that positive change.

While you can’t control others, you have full control over your own actions and choices. 

Here are a few tools you can use to transform your wife’s anger into an expression of love and connection:

Be fully present 

Make it a priority to be fully present when you’re with her. Being there physically is not enough; you need to give her your complete attention. Remember, it’s the quality of the time you spend together that truly matters, not just the quantity. When you commit to being with her, remove any distractions that might divert your focus. By offering your undivided presence, you’ll make her feel deeply loved and valued. This will help soften and remove her walls. 

Remember that being only partially present when you’re with her will shake her trust and shrink her patience. It may sound strange, but your lack of presence and integrity can inflict emotional pain on her, and for women who fully embrace their femininity, it can even have physical repercussions. Find activities that both of you enjoy and engage in them fully. It doesn’t have to be something grand or extravagant. Even sharing a relaxed cup of tea in the garden or having a quiet moment after the kids are asleep can be enough. My wife and I love walking in the forest together with our dog. It’s not so much about what you do, but about how you show up. So, be fully present and let your presence become a precious gift to her. 

Be On Purpose And Set Clear Boundaries 

This has been a massive realisation for me when I shifted my career from being a touring drummer to the work I now do with men. It took me a long time to figure out what I was going to do, and that led me to focus more on the relationship rather than on my purpose. As a result, I felt a lack of trust from my wife, even though it was unconscious on her part.

There’s a good chance that your wife, just like mine, wants to be an important part of your life, but she doesn’t want to be your sole focus. Placing your relationship as the top priority can create pressure for her and reduce her trust in you. However, if you pursue your own purpose and she sees that you live with integrity in your work and that you are fully focused on your purpose, she will likely feel safer to trust you and lower her guard. I have learned a lot about this concept from my teacher John Wineland and from the teachings of his teacher, David Deida.

Once you are aligned with your purpose, it’s important to define clear boundaries between the time you dedicate to your purpose and the time you spend with her. If you’re unsure about your purpose or deliberately avoid pursuing it, your wife won’t trust you, and it won’t come as a surprise if her outbursts continue. She just knows you can do better than that! On the other hand, if you’re fully engaged in your purpose, be mindful not to commit all your time solely to it and neglect your relationship. 

Take ownership and lead

It’s essential to be honest with yourself and recognise that if you want to be in a fulfilling relationship, you must dedicate time, love, and attention to it, and not take it for granted. Many men have made the mistake of neglecting their partners until the point of separation. The price they paid in the end was steep, so it’s better to prevent that scenario by growing your awareness, setting clear boundaries, and ensuring that you have a sense of purpose while also nurturing the relationship. If you are not clear with your purpose consider joining our 90-day training program to get the support that you need. 

Stop asking so many questions 

I have to admit that I have failed with this one many times, but I have finally learned my lesson. If you’re always seeking her opinion or relying on her to make decisions, it’s no wonder she feels frustrated and angry. To earn her trust, you need to demonstrate that you can be decisive and clear about your intentions. Remember, it’s better to make a wrong decision than to remain indecisive.

If you’re unsure about something and genuinely want her input, you can narrow down the options. For instance, if you’re planning to do something together, don’t ask her what she wants to do outright. Instead, present her with two or three narrowed-down options. Ask her if she has a preference from those options (although chances are, she probably won’t). Keep in mind that most decisions are not matters of life or death. Just make a choice and move forward.

Your wife is angry with you because she wants to feel that she can trust you. She wants feel that you can guide her. As long as you continue to hesitate and bombard her with countless questions, she just cannot relax. The longer this happens, the more her anger and frustration will inevitably build up. And the build up of that leads to those intense moments of her losing her shit. You have the power to prevent it by becoming more decisive in your actions and choices. Take charge and allow her to feel a greater sense of ease and trust in your relationship

Most decisions are not matters of life or death, so just make a choice and move forward.

Know her love language and apply 

Are you familiar with the concept of the 5 love languages? Understanding your love language (both yours and your wife’s) can improve your communication. It’s a great way to understand of each other better, as well as the way you express and receive love. It can provide valuable insights and serve as a good first step toward getting your relationship back on track.

Her way might not be yours. And that’s ok.

One common issue in relationships is that we tend to love others in the way we prefer to be loved. But if your partner’s love language differs from yours and your love language ranks low on their list, it can be detrimental. 

Let’s consider an example: if your love language is touch, you enjoy both giving and receiving affection through physical touch. Naturally, you might assume your partner feels the same. But what if her primary love language is quality time, and touch holds little significance for her? In this case, initiating touch may make her uncomfortable and cause her to withdraw. The more you persist, the more frustrated and angry she becomes, eventually leading to those moments of yelling. On the other hand, if you recognise that quality time matters most to her, carve out uninterrupted moments together. Be fully present and free of distractions when you’re together and see what unfolds. Bear in mind that she may initially display some resentment due to the years without such attention. BUt if you stay with it she will appreciate your effort and gradually open up.

Go deeper

Delving into the nuances of love languages is essential. For example, as I discovered in my relationship, touch is not a one-dimensional concept. I realised that although my wife and I both have touch as our highest love language, the way we like to be touched is very different. By learning that, we were able to deepen our connection and remove confusion and frustration. 

Engage in open discussions with your wife, demonstrating your commitment to improving your relationship. Explore the intricacies of each love language you possess. If quality time is important to her, determine the optimal time of day, the ideal location in your home, and the activities to engage in when you spend time together. In terms of touch, discuss your preferences: the desired intensity, lightness, and which areas of the body make you feel safe or a sense of pleasure. By delving deeper into each love language, you both gain a better understanding of each other and create a healthy space for communication and connection.

Engage in open discussions with your wife, demonstrating your commitment to improving your relationship.

Bring back the laughs! 

Laughter and humor are often significant components of the beginning of an intimate relationship. However, as time goes on, we tend to become complacent and take things for granted. This leads us to seek joy and fulfillment elsewhere, turning the relationship into a source of anger and frustration. Subsequently, yelling becomes all too common. If you want to rebuild trust and bring back joy, bringing back the humour is key.

If you have a talent for igniting humour and you remember it working for you embrace it with confidence and use your skills. That said, if you don’t see yourself as the funny one, you can create other opportunities to infuse humour into the relationship. Surprise her with tickets to a comedy night or suggest watching a movie you both found hilarious in the past. Bringing back that shared laughter could be transformational to the relationship. 

Get creative in finding ways to connect through humour and make it happen. If it has been a while since you connected on this level, she may initially resist. Stay assertive and demonstrate your commitment to improving the relationship, and she will appreciate your efforts and eventually join in. Laughter has a profound impact on our nervous system, so trust that it can work wonders. 

A couple laughing together watching a film and having a good time

Approach her anger with compassion 

I truly believe that any offence is a form of defence. When someone feels hurt, they instinctively respond defensively and that defence can sometimes come as yelling. So the next time you ask yourself ‘Why Does My Wife Yell At Me?’ stay open to the fact that she’s most likely in pain.To understand why your wife is always angry, shift your perspective and focus  from her aggression to her pain. Replace defensiveness with compassion and seek to understand her triggers.

Reflect on potential causes independently and make changes where necessary. If you feel unsure, approach her humbly and express your commitment to making the relationship work. Ask for her help in understanding what triggers her anger. This shifts your position from a place of victimhood to leadership which can help build trust and reduce aggression.

Remember that change takes time, so remain dedicated and curious. Stay strong and consistent. By staying fully committed to the relationship and by doing what it takes you will see her coming closer to you again. If you want a consistent place where you can learn and develop the skills in this area you can join our 90-day training program  “The Man You Want to Be”

Any offence is a form of defence

It’s all in your hands

As discussed right at the start, despite the title ‘Why Does My Wife Yell At Me?’ our focus in this blog was on you and the actions that you can take because this is where you have full control. Implementing the approaches of being fully present, setting clear boundaries, making decisive choices, understanding each other’s love languages, bringing back laughter, and approaching her anger with compassion can transform your relationship. It has the potential to not only restore it to its previous state, but also create a deeper connection and greater intimacy than you have ever experienced before.

At the end of 2015, my wife and I were on the verge of divorce. By applying these approaches, we have completely transformed our relationship. We now have the deepest connection we’ve ever experienced, and it continues to grow stronger. You can achieve the same results by implementing these approaches. And if you need any assistance, feel free to get in touch.

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